Jett

*TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE*

I was young and very damaged. The perfect target for an abusive relationship. I went to a house party with some roommates one night, that was when I met Jett. I was way beyond intoxicated, I had been drinking and smoking all day. I somehow got a bottle of liquor that night. I remember seeing him in the corner of the kitchen talking with his friends and I thought he was kind of cute. I made sure he had a full cup all night. We talked a little, it was the first time I had ever seen him. I went to this party house very often so I knew everyone. I saw him there again at the next party I went to. I talked to him and next thing I knew he was moving in with me. He seemed nice at first and seemed to really care about me. I needed that at the time. I didn’t feel safe in my apartment at the time so it was nice to have a man with me. Little did I know it was going to be him I needed protection from. I remember the beginning of the first party we went to as a couple. He told me that he felt like he was dating a rock star. I took him into the master bedroom where all the “regulars” hung out. It was an invite only zone. When we went in people instantly started handing me liquor, blunts, and bumps of cocaine. To me that was just a normal Friday night but seeing how impressive it was to him, almost made me feel powerful. After two or three weeks of dating and living together he told me that he cheated on me. Not only did he cheat on me but he did it in my apartment and in my bed. I was so hurt, but he was a smooth talker he somehow manipulated me into being okay with it. It may have just simply have been that he always found a way for us to get high. After he told me I smoked an eighth of weed and decided it didn’t matter. After that things changed, he was so paranoid with the thought that I would cheat on him to get revenge. He would obsess over everything I said and did. One night we went to a party and went through our normal routine. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was too cold for him to stand outside with me, so he stayed inside and played beer pong. When the front door opened he could see me on the porch. He made sure of that. I was standing there smoking and talking to some friends when a random guy came up behind me and hugged me from behind. In that moment the door opened and he saw it. I instantly was scared. I knew he saw and I knew he was going to flip. Even though it was just some random drunk guy being stupid. I went inside and he proceeded to storm out. I kept asking him what was wrong and following him down the street. Finally he yelled in my face about how he saw me cheating on him with that guy on the porch. He told me all about how he knew I would cheat on him, I was a whore, I was useless, I was ugly. Every negative thing you could think of. I continued to follow him, telling him that he was wrong and it was just some stupid drunk guy and how much I loved him. He kind of calmed down and started walking back towards the party house. We could hear the people standing on the porch at the party. Someone said, “Where did McKenzie go?” and someone responded, “Her boyfriend is being a little bitch about something.” That made him explode. He told me that he was walking home and we were done. I lost it. His friend and I got in my car and I begged him to get in. I drove up to him and stopped the car, I got out yelling for him, bawling my eyes out. He walked up to me and simply said, “I hate you, I’ve never loved you, and you are worthless.” My knees hit the ground. I threw up. I was shaking and crying. His friend picked me up and talked to me until I was together enough to drive. I drove home and waited for him to get there. Convinced that the three mile walk would of cooled him down. It didn’t, he walked in and slammed the front door so hard the whole apartment shook. He stormed into my room and started destroying it looking for all of his things. I begged him not to go. I went into my roommates room and absolutely fell apart. All my roommate kept saying was, “try to pull it together.” I went into the bathroom and I guess at some point he decided to get in the shower. I threw up for what felt like a lifetime. I walked out of the bathroom and fainted when I got to my doorway. When I woke back up I was in the middle of my doorway and my head was throbbing. I just laid there and yelled for him. He got out of the shower and got all of his stuff together and left. He knocked on the door about twenty minutes later. I figured he would be back. He had no car and no place to stay all he had was me. He told me that he overreacted because he was drunk. He convinced me that everything he said was out of rage and jealousy. I let him back in. We went to bed as if nothing had happened. I thought that I needed him, that without him I would be lonely and worthless. Looking back on that night now blows my mind. I cannot believe that I put up with him and the abuse. I cannot believe how low he truly got me. It’s amazing how bad another human being can break you. I lived like that for six months, until I got evicted and he was put in jail for violating his probation. I wouldn’t stand for that for a second today. It messes with me still sometimes but I don’t let it bother me anymore. It’s more like just random flashbacks. I know my worth and I know how strong I am. No one will ever again make me question myself or my worth.

*The name was changed for privacy.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash